Afraid to commit

Yes - I'm going to try to stick with it this time. I know I lapsed pretty badly with my blog writing, but after some time away, and after reading Julie & Julia, I will make an honest go at it this time- and not be afraid to commit to my blogging REGULARLY. Damo, I hope this brings you even the smallest amount of joy.....

Last day of the school holidays today - not including the weekend stretched out before me. I tried to be a good entertainment director, truly, I did. We did the Carnival stuff for the first weekend - sideshow alley, the parade, Bjorn Again concert, the fireworks....and on the first Monday, I took the kids with scooters/bikes crammed into my little Betty Beamer, down to the Botanical Gardens for some flower appreciation, and a picnic. A short stint with Grandma & Pa, a lovely catch up-for me- with longtime school friends Hels and Shirl The Girl, a 4 year old birthday celebration for Miss Febes, a cave-in on the Little Legs (Kids Indoor PlayCentre) excursion and then yesterday, movies (extorrrrrrhhhtion) to see UP, brings me to today. Nothing planned. AT ALL. I'm done. Entertain yourselves kiddies. Here - take my frying pan (its not like you haven't before) and all the bedlinen and make yourselves an adventure playground.

In the shade.

On a personal level, I have spent my sparetime these holidays in Leningrad, circa 1942. The lovely and uber beautiful Chrissie, suggested I read The Bronze Horseman (not the one by Alexander Pushkin - but this one does exist BECAUSE of that piece of prose) by Paullina Simons. Well, last night I finished it - after many ONE a.m. bedtimes - and I have to say it completely gutted me. As I sat there, on the couch, SOBBING with abandon - Adan just sat across the room shaking his head, saying "Why do you do this to yourself????"...... Like I even knew when I started reading the book that I would be reduced to this emotional breakdown.

How soon can I get to the bookshop to pick up the follow-on, The Bridge to Holy Cross (or Tatiana and Alexander if you buy it in the US)? Maybe I should book in for some grief counselling first, then when I am strong again - launch into the second book.

During my sabbitical from blogging I happened to turn 40.

I did not like it.

But I am ok now.

I did not want a party or gathering or mass celebration of ANY kind. I had hoped that I would feel fantastic at 40. But I did not feel fantastic. I felt tired. REALLY, REALLY TIRED. I'm putting it down to a pretty crappy year.

Adan took me away to Sydney. Just us. NO Cooking or menu planning for 5. No washing or ironing. No 24 hour round the clock on-call mothering. No referreeing or mediating. Thankyou Adan. Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou Mum for minding our 3 kids. Thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou.

Feel like I finally had a chance to stick my head above the surface and gulp some fresh air.

40 is not so bad now......but I still hate my neck.

So- here is my list (if you know me, REALLY know me, this would be no surprise to you - that I have a list, that is). My Things That Matter now I am 40 List.

*people I love. My kids, husband, family, friends - anyone I love, including my dog. That's the top of the list. Hasn't really changed from my 30s. Probably won't ever change.

*my freedom and independence (The Bronze Horseman has impacted on me, what can I say?)

*the skin on the back of my hands - still freckle free, and so far wrinkle free. Neck- you should talk to my hands. They could teach you something....

*Insignificant, incidental "moments" in my everyday life. Retrospect is AMAZING. I love the thought of "tomorrow" because then I can review yesterday in a way I couldn't when I was actually living it. (No, I am not on drugs. I make sense to myself, and frankly that is all that matters)

*Making sense to myself

*Chanel fragrance, beautiful things, my emerald ring.

*Laughter - the kind that makes tears spring from my eyes

I'm sure there are so many other things I could put on my list, just as anyone reading this will have their own version of this list. But this is my list (today's version anyway - it is always subject to change, at any moment, because it is MY list and I can do that)

Ciao for now.